第3回 関係代名詞whatの多用を避け、文意を明確に

I agree with the statement that teenagers should have part-time jobs while they are students, because having a job [it’s an experience which helps] gives them [learn] a sense of responsibility, [as well as gain useful skills and a motivation] is a useful experience and motivate them to study hard.

First, teenagers can come to feel sense of [learn how to be responsible responsibility if when] they work part time. When they are in their working place, [T]hey are treated as adults [while working] and they need [learn] to take responsibility for what they have done [their actions]. On the other hand, while in school [or at home], they are treated as teenagers, in short, immature people, so they are free from [who are always under the care of adults]. [They have] some responsibilities [, but they are not the same as those which] adults have. Students spend most of their time in school or at home where adults always take care of them. For example, if I am late for the class, my teacher will [may] frown at me, but that is all. On the other hand, if I take a part time job and I am late for [my part-time job], I will get fired. Thus, it is quite important for teenagers to work by themselves, without their protectors, and [in this way, learn how to] become responsible.

Second, students can gain useful experience for their future. Students can acquire a lot of skills and [may make knowledge contacts] while working. They will have an advantage when looking for jobs or they think about what career they should choose. For example, they can be familiar with some easy computer algorithm if they work for a computer company[, they can learn about programming]. Moreover, they may make some connection in the field they want to work. If they [also] get to know someone in a company, [who can help them] they may find a job there more easily [through their work experience]. [In this way, students who work] have an advantage when looking for full-time jobs [which students who don’t work can never have]. So, [W]orking part time can give students becomes a valuable, unique experience.

Finally, students can understand [come to learn] how important it is to study [studying is] through their jobs [part-time work]. While they are working, [T]hey may [come to] realize what they are studying at school [it] is meaningful and helpful for their job [future and will study much harder as a result]. If they do so, they will study much harder. I often hear many of my classmates say, “Why do I have to study it? It has nothing to do with my future.” In fact, what we learn [working part time] is [can be] an important base of [for] our knowledge, however it is difficult to realize the fact. So, it is good to work part time in order to study more eagerly [because it helps students see what they need to learn for their future career and understand how important studying is].

For these three reasons, I think it is better for [working part time helps] teenagers to work when they are students [become responsible, gain useful skills as well as make possible contacts, and along the way learn the value of studying]. If they have jobs, [Part-time work helps students] they can grow up, gain advantages for their future[,] and get motivated [which students who do not work will not have]. These skills will [It could] have a great influence on their lives, so they should acquire them while they are young [working part time is an opportunity which all teenagers should welcome]

リライトされたエッセイを読んだ第一印象は「説得力が増強されている」ということ。例えば、第2パラグラフで「授業に遅れても先生に眉をひそめられるだけだが、アルバイトに遅刻したらクビになる」とわかり易い具体例を出して、仕事を通じて学生が責任感を持てるようになる利点を説明しています。また、「アルバイト経験を通じて、勉強の価値がわかるようになる」という3つ目の理由は、それまでの理由（責任感を持てるようになる、有益なスキルや人脈を得られる）と異なる視点ものです。リライトされたエッセイには、前回のアドバイスがしっかりと反映されていることが見て取れます。担当トレーナーとしては嬉しい限りです！

このように、アイコさんのエッセイはTOEFL iBT^®テストのWritingセクション Independent Task の評価ポイントであるDevelopment（主張の展開）の面で、さらなる進化を遂げました。そこで今回は、別の評価ポイントであるAppropriate and precise use of grammar and vocabulary（文法と語彙の適切で正確な運用）にスポットを当ててみたいと思います。リライト版のエッセイには、意味の理解を妨げるほどの文法や語法のミスはありませんが、気になる部分がありました。関係代名詞whatの多用です。

リライト版エッセイでは、関係代名詞whatが4か所使われており、1か所は文ごと削除、3か所には修正が入っています（太字部分）。では修正案が出された3つのwhatを順に見ていきましょう。まず、第2パラグラフではwhat they have done（彼らが行ったこと）が、their actions（彼らの行動）となっています。名詞actionが書き手の意図をより簡潔に表しています。また、第4パラグラフではwhat they are studying at school（彼らが学校で勉強していること）を、前文のstudying（勉強すること ※原文ではto study）を受けてitとしています。文意は若干変わりますが、itで置き換えるとto study/studyingを繰り返す必要がなくなります。さらに、同じ第4パラグラフのwhat we learn（私たちが学ぶこと）が 、working part time（アルバイトすること）と、より具体的な名詞句に書き換えられています。原文のwhat we learn is an important base of our knowledge（私たちが学ぶことは、私たちの知識の重要な基礎となる）と比べると、修正案のworking part time can be an important base for knowledge（アルバイトすることは、知識の重要な基礎となりうる）の方が、より具体的に状況を思い浮かべることができるのではないでしょうか。

関係代名詞whatは便利ですが、使い方によっては文意を曖昧にしてしまうリスクを伴います。whatを使って言おうとすることが名詞（句）で具体的に表現できる場合は、whatの使用を避けましょう。エッセイライティングでは、冗長さを排除し、書き手の意図を明確かつ簡潔に伝える表現法を常に模索する姿勢が求められます。