第5回 ストーリーは便利な小道具

It is common for students to have a roommate when they go to school or university. There are at least one disadvantage and two advantages of sharing a room. The disadvantage is that it may be difficult for you to concentrate on studying, while the two advantages are having a chance to make a close friend and being able to learn how other people live.

First of all, [let’s discuss the disadvantages.] you [It] may have a lot of difficulty doing [be difficult to do] homework or preparing [prepare] for tests if your roommate makes a lot of noise. For example, one of my friends is [belongs to the rock-music club in school and plays the drum, and she] always quarreling [quarrels] with her roommate about the noise [she makes]. She belongs to the rock- music club in the school and she plays the drum. She says that her [Her] roommate gets angry when she is tapping [taps] the table or singing [sings] the [a] song. Although she claims that she is [being] careful enough not to bother her roommate because she is just tapping the desk instead of [and not really] playing the drum, her roommate is actually [still] irritated partly because she has to study hard now in order to get good grades for the [a] scholarship.
Moreover, if they do not anything special, just because they usually stay up late, you won’t be able to sleep well. As you can see [Clearly], roommates can make it [can be] tough to study [if you have a roommate].

[In the second part of this essay,] I will look at the advantages of having a roommate now. As I said in the introduction, one of the two advantages of having a roommate is that it is possible that you [to] get a close friend. Sharing a room means you spend a lot of time together, so as a matter of course, you can get to know each other well. You can learn from each other by talking about your daily lives and sharing information, such as what you did when you became homesick and information about school events. For instance, m[M]y aunt[, for example,] has been keeping [still keeps in] touch with some friends who were her roommates when they were [from her] university students [days]. She says that if they had not been her roommates, she could not have built such a close relationship with them. They would often stay up late and talk about their daily lives and future dream[s]. Of course, it [your roommate] does not necessarily mean that your roommate becomes your best friend only because you share a room, however, it can be said that [, but] sharing a room [definitely] provides [gives] you a better chance to get to know people [someone] in your school than living alone [does].

Finally, the other advantage of having a roommate is that you can learn how other people live and also how to live with them. If your roommate comes from a different country, he or she must have a different lifestyle from yours. [, but] Even if your roommate comes from the same country or even town as you, each family has [the roommate will still have] their own particular rules [a different way of living peculiar to the family he or she comes from,] which will be new to you. So you can learn about their way of life, how they think and how to live with them through the experience. Experiencing [Having the experience of] a roommate will [also] help you develop the skill of having an ‘open mind’[. This] which is really important when you get married and your spouse has a quite different way of living [and thinking] from you.[, as well as possibly having] you. In addition, such an open mind may also have a good influence on your future career[.], so [Obviously,] it having a roommate is beneficial that you acquire it [a good experience to have] while you are [a] students.

In conclusion, though having a roommate may have disadvantages when it comes to studying, it gives you many other advantages which is [are] far more useful, not only in being able [beneficial. You will have the chance not only] to get a close friend and learn how other people live as well as learn how to live with them, but [also] in [to know] how to have an open mind and perhaps how to be patient, both of which can be useful for your life in the future [which is likely to help you in your private life and future career].

アイコさんのリライト版は600ワード超えの大作です。多く書けばそれだけ高い評価がもらえるわけではありませんが、30分という制限時間内に400～500ワード書ける筆力があれば、WritingセクションのIndependent Taskに関して心配することはそう多くないはずです。アイコさんは、時間さえあればこれだけのエッセイを書けることが分かりましたので、次回は初見のテーマについて30分の制限時間内に書き上げるTimed Writingに挑戦してもらうことにします。みなさんもエッセイを書くこと自体に慣れてきたら、テスト本番と同じ時間制限を設けた練習を取り入れることをお勧めします。

さて、このリライト版で最も改善された点は、「ストーリーが見える」ようになったことだと私は思います。アイコさんが一回目に書いたエッセイではifの多用が見受けられました。「もし○○なら、△△となる」という状況設定と想定結果を羅列しても、読み手には「本当にそうだろうか」「その証拠はあるのか」「○○なら、□□となるのではないか」といった疑問が残ることもあります。条件や状況を設定するifはここぞというときに取って置き、代わりに自分や知人の経験談をエピソード風に盛り込み、読み手の脳内にストーリーを再現してあげると、言いたいことが効果的に伝わります。以下の文を比較してください。どんな違いを感じるでしょうか。

Aはルームメイトが出す騒音がいかに迷惑かを「説明」し、Bはルームメイトが出す騒音が迷惑な様子を「描写」しています。また、Aは「（そんな状況では）集中できない」と抽象的な表現に留まっているのに対し、Bは「（そんな状況は）勉強したいときに非常に迷惑だと彼女は言う」と具体的です。

抽象的な説明は読み手に様々な解釈の余地を残しますが、具体的な描写は解釈の幅を限りなく狭めます。少ない語数で言いたいことを効果的に書こうと思うとき、ストーリー（具体的な事実描写）はとても便利な小道具となります。アイコさんのリライト版では、ドラマーの友人を、静かに勉強したいルームメイトが迷惑に思っている状況がリアルに描かれていました。また、大学時代のルームメイトと交流を保っているおばさまの逸話もありましたね。この件は「若かりし頃、一緒に暮しながら培った友情を大切にしている女性がいる」というリアリティとなって、読み手に訴えかけます。毎回、丁度よいエピソードが用意できるわけではないものの、具体的な事実描写は、読み手の解釈の幅を狭めることで、書き手の意図をストレートに伝える効果を持つことは覚えておいてください。