第11回 語数より大切なこと

30分で430ワードのエッセイを書き上げたことからもわかるように、イズミさんのWriting fluencyの高さは見事です。タイプミスが散見されますが、意味の理解を妨げるほどではないので、許容範囲と言えるでしょう。今回は、内容面に関して少し突っ込んだフィードバックをします。パラグラフの添削例は記事の最後に示しますので、みなさんも参考にしてください。

まず、このトピックでは「外国語を習うことの是非」ではなく「子どもが就学と同時に外国語を習い始めることの是非」を論じる必要があります。イズミさんのエッセイ第2パラグラフでは、「グローバル社会を生き抜くために外国語を習得すること大切だ」と主張されていますが、それは就学年齢に達した子どもが外国語を習い始める必要があることの裏付けになっているでしょうか。これだと「（何歳から始めても）結果的に外国語が話せるようになってグローバル社会で通用すればいい」という反論に耐えられないように思います。ここでは、思春期や大人になってからでなく、就学と同時に外国語習得を始めることの良し悪しを深掘りする必要があるわけです。

イズミさんのように賛成の立場をとるのであれば、「外国語を聞き分ける耳をつくるのは出来るだけ早い方がいい」、「外国に対する偏見を持たない子どものうちに外国語やその文化に触れさせるべき」といったメリットを論じることができるでしょう。反対の立場をとるのであれば、「就学したばかりの児童は母国語をしっかり身に付けることを優先すべき」、「抽象的な思考ができるようになってからの方が外国語習得は効率が良い」といった理由づけが考えられます。

また第3パラグラフでは、子どもは大人より外国語習得に有利であることが具体例とともに説明され、イズミさんの実体験も盛り込まれており、論理展開としてはとても明快です。惜しいのは、「子どもの方が外国語取得に有利」という定説と、「就学と同時に外国語習得を開始すべき」という主張のつながりがやや見えにくいことです。パラグラフの最後にConcluding sentence（まとめの文）として「子どもに外国語を習得させるには、就学時という絶好の機会を逃す手はない」といった1文が入るだけでも、メインアイディアとのつながりを示すことができます。

そして欲を言うと、イズミさんのエッセイは4パラグラフ構成であることから、就学時より後になって外国語を習得し始めるdisadvantageを論じるパラグラフをもう一つ足して、5パラグラフエッセイとしても良かったと思います。主に言語面の校正を担当しているPaul Strifler氏はこうコメントしています。“I know this essay is brief, but logically speaking, it would be good to write another paragraph about the ‘disadvantages’ of learning a language later in life. The reader expects to hear about the disadvantages of learning a language later in life because you mentioned this word in your introduction. If you don’t mention the word, ‘disadvantage’, then the reader won’t expect you to write about it in your paper. However, since you did, the reader is expecting the paper to be a comparison paper where you compare and contrast the advantages and disadvantages of learning English as a child.” たしかに第1パラグラフに“There are more advantages than disadvantages.”とあるので、欠点も合わせて論じられることを読者は期待するかもしれません。disadvantageに触れる時間がないと思ったらこの1文を削除するか、There are several reasons for this. といった文に差し替えると無難でしょう。

I agree with the statement that children should begin learning a foreign language as soon as they start school. There are more advantages than disadvantages. For example, you can make friends from foreign countries if you learn foreign language. Or you can understand the movie without subtitle. In this essay, I have two points of view to which support my opinion with objectivity. First[,] one is from the fact that we live in a global society. [and S[s]econd[,] one is the fact children are easier to [can] learn languages [more easily] than adults.

First, we are liv[e]ing in a global society and we are [in] related[ion] with many different countries. Taking a foreign language class [is] probably is a required subject in most of schools. Even in [countries where] English [is] spoken country, schools require[d] students to learn [a] foreign language. The s[S]ociety has been [become] more globe[al] than before. A[a]nd the company[ies] need people who have [a] global view[point]. In fact, Japanese companies which want to do business with overseas [are] start[ing to] hiring[e] people who can speak more than one languages. I can say the ability of languages [Having language ability] [has an] effects [on] getting jobs. Especially it’s [in a] competitive society, ability of [being able to] speaking foreign languages [is] definitely is an advantage.

Second, children can learn foreign language[s] [more] easier [easily] and faster than adults. There are several [three] reasons [for this]. One [reason] is children [generally] have more time than adults. [The] S[s]econd [reason] is children are not afraid of making mistakes. I think the best way of [to] learning languages is [to] speaking the language aloud. Children are not ashamed of themselves when they are making[e] mistakes. They can speak [say] anything they want or they think about. [anything they want to] A[a]nd they can learn form [from] the [their] mistakes. [The] T[t]hird [reason] is children don’t care about grammar when they express their feelings. When adults learn foreign languages, they think about grammar so [too] much. But I personally think grammar is not the most important part of learning languages. If someone can understand what you are talking about, it is good enough. Here is my experience. I was lived in Hong Kong for ten years. When I was ten years old, I moved to Japan. I could[n]’t speak any Japanese. After two years, I could pass the private high school entrance exam. I could master most of the Japanese [language] in two years. My parents was [were] surprised at this. I can say[,] children have a magical power to learn languages.

In conclusion, speaking [a] foreign language in [the] competitive global society [today,] is an advantage for getting jobs. [Students can learn a foreign language in their schools which will help them to take part in the global society.] It [Being able to get a job in this global society] shows that how important [it is] to learn foreign languages. And [It’s also] children are much easier [for children] to learn languages than adults [because they aren’t ashamed and don’t worry so much about grammar]. So it tells [For these two reasons,] us [it is a good idea for] children should [to] learning foreign languages as soon as they start schools.