第12回 コツコツと楽しみながら

ひと言でいうと、イズミさんのエッセイは飛躍的に説得力を増しました。リライト前のエッセイに対して「思春期や大人になってからでなく、就学と同時に外国語習得を始めることの良し悪しを深掘りする必要がある」とアドバイスしましたが、Body（本論）に相当する第2・3・4パラグラフのTopic sentence（主題文）はすべてchildrenが主語になっており、論旨とトピックの対応を印象づけています。香港で生まれ育ち、中国語と日本語（さらに英語も！）を習得したイズミさんにしか書けないエッセイになっています。

第1パラグラフがやや長い感じもしますが、主張→理由→詳細説明というロジカルな構成のおかげで、冗長さはありません。Introduction（序論）と比較するとBodyの一角を成す第4パラグラフがやや寂しく見えるので、子どもには何かに没頭する時間が与えられているだけでなく、大人にはない集中力で物事を吸収することを例示するエピソードなどが入ると、さらに良かったと思います。Conclusion（結論）となる第5パラグラフでは、自分の主張をしっかりと読者にリマインドできています。ただし、3つの論拠はパラグラフの登場順に再提示する方が、読者に混乱を与えずに済むと思います。

今回は校正協力者であるPaul Strifler氏から多くのコメントが入りましたので、その一部を紹介します。ネイティブスピーカーはこのエッセイをどのように読むのか、みなさんも参考にしてください。いつものように添削例は最後に掲載します。

【英文校正協力者からコメント】

第1パラグラフ
This first paragraph is perfect. It’s important to tell your story about Hong Kong and show the reader you are an “expert” on the topic and your paper is worth reading as a result. Pointing out it is a “magical” ability is wonderful! It’s very colorful and apt. It is “magical” to be able to learn like children! I’ve put “magical” into quotation marks because it is sort of a vague term and no one really has magical powers, do they?

第4パラグラフ
This paragraph is a little short (light), but even so, it’s okay. You hedged* well saying “generally” children have more time than adults, meaning sometimes this isn’t true… You could have said something like, “Time passes differently for children. For example, 15 minutes of play can be one hour for an adult.” Most people would agree that children have more time, so this shorter paragraph is acceptable.
hedge (v): To avoid making a clear, direct response or statement

第5パラグラフ
Great conclusion! Well done! You told us what you would talk about in the introductory paragraph, gave us details in the body, and repeated them in the conclusion. This ‘repeating’ of the message is important to remind people of what you said and to have them accept it. Repeating is a sort of “brain-washing” technique as well. You did a great job with this paper, Izumi!

I agree [with] the statement that children should begin learning a foreign language as soon as they start school. I believe this statement is true, because I have experienced learning a new language that I couldn’t speak before and I could master it when I was young. I live[d] in Hong Kong for ten years. When I was ten years old, I moved back to Japan. I couldn’t speak Japanese at all. After two years, I could pass the private junior high school entrance exam. I could master most of the Japanese language in two years. My parents were surprised at this. I can say, children have [“]magical[”] powers to learn language[s]. Thanks to the[these] magical powers, children can learn foreign languages more easily than adults. I have three reasons to support my opinion. First, children can enjoy learning languages. Second, children are not afraid of making mistakes. Third, children generally have more time than adults do.

First, children are full of curiosity. They are interested in anything, especially new things. And they can enjoy learning foreign languages. When high school students or adults learn a foreign language, they become stressed because of textbooks and exams. On the other hand, children learn languages by singing songs and playing games. I think to [“]enjoy learning[”] is the key, because it’s led [it leads them] to continue to learn more and master it. Moreover, children love to tell someone what they’ve learned. I think this is the biggest magical power of children. I’ve heard that the point of learning is the combination of input and output. Children do the output spontaneously by telling someone what they’ve learned.

Second, children are not afraid of making mistakes. I think the best way to learn [a] language is to speak the language aloud. Children are not ashamed of themselves when they make mistakes. They can say or think about anything they want to and they can learn from their mistakes. In addition, children don’t care about grammar when they express their feelings. When adults learn languages, they think about grammar too much. I personally think grammar is not the most important part of learning languages. If someone can understand what you are talking [saying], it is good enough.

Third, children generally have more time than adults do. Children can learn a foreign language while they are playing games[,] as [which] I mentioned in [the] second paragraph. Adults are too busy to do that. They try to learn many things in a short time. However, learning a foreign language doesn’t work like that.

In conclusion, when children start the school is the best time to learn a foreign language [is when children start school]. They have more time than adults do. They can enjoy learning a foreign language by singing songs and playing games. They can [also] learn more from their mistakes, because they’re not ashamed of making mistakes [them] and they don’t care about grammar as adults do. [In addition, they have more time than adults do.] These three reasons make [it easier for] children more easily to learn a foreign language than adults. It’s a good idea for children to learn foreign languages as soon as they start school.

英文校正協力：Paul Strifler